Valentine's Week Linky Parties!

In honor of Valentine's Day this week, I decided to do a mini-series all about my relationship with my sweet husband. After all, y'all are privy to a lot about my IF life, but not necessarily that much about us as a couple! So, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to rectify that situation. And, just so you know, we aren't really the lovey-dovey, super into Valentine's Day kind of couple...

Here are the upcoming posts you can expect for the week:

Tuesday: Back to the Beginning - The Story of How We Met
Wednesday: Our Big Day - Fun Facts About Our Wedding
Thursday: A Few of My Favorite Things - Reasons I Love My Husband
Friday: Blast to the Past - Favorite Memories from Our Relationship

AND, to top it all off, I'm going to make each day a linky party! I realize I have all of like, 5 followers... but I'd love it if y'all would link up and share your own stories so we can get to know each other better! Be on the lookout for the first post tomorrow!

Long Awaited Peace

Yeah, I realize I've been MIA for awhile. I don't even know when/what I updated last! I'd love to say that things were going well in the baby making department, but I don't have any good news, unfortunately.

I think we did our 2nd IUI in October or November? How bad is it that I don't even remember? Ha! After that one failed, we decided we would take a break for awhile to save for IVF this summer. Needless to say, we haven't done a whole lot of saving. My heart just isn't it. It's like I can't wrap my mind around the fact that IVF might really be the only way we can have a biological child. I keep thinking that we will just get pregnant on our own, though I know at this point the odds are against us.

For the past several weeks all of the options that are available to us have been swimming around my mind constantly... additional IUIs, IVF, adoption, fostering... or just nothing. Don't do anything and hope and pray for the best. I've prayed so long and so hard that God would bring us peace and that we would just feel like one of those decisions was the right one for us. I'm totally type A and the biggest planner you will ever meet, so not having a plan at all has been kind of rough on me.

Today, though, I finally felt that peace that I've been praying so hard for. Out of nowhere, I felt like doing at least one more IUI was the right choice for us at this time. Whereas only yesterday everything IF related was so foggy, today it's crystal clear.

I don't know if it will work. I can only pray that it will. And if it doesn't, at least I will know that we tried, ya know? I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment to talk things over with my RE at the end of March. I want some time to get healthier and lose some weight before we jump back into things. I'm interesting in hearing my RE's perspective on things, for sure. Here we go again!

(Un)Happy Thanksgiving

I'd be lying if I said I woke up this morning in a joyful mood, ready to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday and reflect on everything in my life for which I should be thankful. Truthfully, I woke up in a horrible mood. I was thinking about the fact that tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of the first day of the first cycle that we began trying to add to our family, and here I am on cycle day 2 of one of the heaviest periods I've ever had on our 22nd cycle of trying. That means we have been unsuccessful 21 times. It also means this is yet another Thanksgiving passing us by where we are childless - with not even a single positive pregnancy test to show for all the prayer, treatment, tears, and good old fashioned trying we have put in over the past 729 days.

Of course, it probably didn't help that I logged onto Facebook, only to be bombarded by multiple pregnancy announcements, hundreds (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a tiny bit) of adorable pictures of precious babies, and multiple heartfelt messages of thanks from parents for their wonderful children. Don't get me wrong - I totally get it. As I kept scrolling, I knew I would be beyond thankful, too, if I was in any of their shoes.

But that's just the thing - I should be thankful for everything I have, despite my circumstances. In 1 Thesssalonians 5:16-18, God says, "Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live." And so I have a choice. I can choose to be miserable because God has not yet blessed us with a child - the one thing my heart desires more than anything, or I can choose to be cheerful anyway, continue praying, and make it a point to thank God for not only the blessings he has already given us, but also for those that are yet to come, including the miracle of a child.

I am reminded this Thanksgiving more than ever that His plans are not my own. After our second IUI, I had dreamt up this magical way of telling J's entire family we were expecting today at Thanksgiving. His granddaddy always says the blessing before we eat, and I wanted to tell him ahead of time to include, "the child with whom God has blessed Jeremy and Heather" at the end of the list of things to be thankful for during the prayer. Obviously, this isn't going to happen. But I have to believe - I choose to believe - that God has even better things in store for us, beyond what I am capable of imagining.

I know there are others out there who are struggling today, too, so I wanted to share my prayer to God this morning, along with some of God's Word that I find incredibly encouraging:

Lord, you know my heart. You know my innermost desires. Thank you for all of the blessings you have already given me and for those that will come later. Today I am choosing to be joyful in my circumstances. If I lose my hope, God, I pray that you will continue to remind me that your plans are far better than my dreams. Lord, help me to believe with all my heart that trusting you, rather than focusing on what I see before me, is completely worth it. Give me the strength to ignore my own logical reasonings and instead rely on your powerful promises. I love you so much. Amen.

"Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later." - John 13:7

"Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later." - Romans 8:18

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her." - Luke 1:45

"And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise." - Hebrews 6:15

Where Are We Now?

IUI # 2 didn't work, unfortunately. I went through the usual emotions of being extremely upset the day I started my period, and then picked myself up so we could move on. Of course, we had to have the inevitable discussion of what would be our next steps.

Basically, we had to decide between doing one more IUI or moving on to IVF. Meds/copays for both IUI cycles have been around $1500, so $3000 total. This past IUI cycle, all the action was happening on my right ovary, where I have no tube. Yes, I know eggs can get from the right ovary to the left tube, but it's not a guarantee. So, in our minds, we could spend $1500 again for a very small chance that it would actually work, or just put that money toward saving up for IVF over the summer when I am much less stressed (I have a crazy, crazy class this year at school = constantly stressed!). 

With all of that said, we have decided to save up for IVF and try on our own until then. There isn't a real reason we can't get pregnant on our own, so there of course we are going to try! I am also doing everything I can on my end to get as healthy as possible so that a) we are more likely to get pregnant on our own and b) I am healthier for IVF. Here's what I have been doing as of Monday:

• no caffeine
• no refined sugar
• no processed foods
• no GMOs
• all organic (as much as possible)
• more protein, fewer carbs
• slowly eliminating plastic containers and going to stainless steel

The first two days I had horrible headaches, but I'm feeling much better now! I'm hoping I lose some weight, but also that this can help in our journey to getting pregnant.

The other part of all of this is starting to research where to do IVF. Honestly, we can probably only afford to do IVF one time. So wherever we do it, we want it to be the best, even if that means paying a little more. Our current clinic only does IVF 4 times a year, contracts in an embryologist, and apparently prefers 3-day transfers to 5-day transfers. I don't like any of that, so I doubt we will go with our current RE, even though he does have fantastic success rates (best in the state). We are thinking about CCRM in Colorado, or even possibly traveling out of country. Who knows - we are just beginning to research. Of course, we are so hopeful that it won't even be necessary because we will get pregnant on our own before then.

Also, adoption has been on my mind a lot. I feel like I keep seeing so many people I know adopting, and it really just tugs at my heart strings. I'm not ready to give up the idea of having a biological child yet, but adoption isn't out of the question for us. Personally, if it came down to it, I would love to do DIA (domestic infant adoption) or foster to adopt (because it is very inexpensive). Honestly, at this point I figured we would have a 1-2 year old, so I wouldn't mind fostering to adopt a 1-4 year old to be the older sibling for our biological child if we are blessed with one. J, on the other hand, isn't quite as ready to seriously consider this as I am. 

So, that's where we are right now... lots to think about. Who knew becoming parents would be so hard?

3 DPIUI: In the Waiting Game!

We had our second IUI on Thursday. It went very well. I'm not sure exactly how many mature follicles I ended up with, ya know, because of the whole unspecific nurse situation. I think it's safe to say I had at least 4... however I think there was only 1 (maybe 2) on my left ovary, which is the side with my lone fallopian tube. Honestly I don't care though, because if this is the cycle it's supposed to happen for us, then it will. Also, J had 135 million motile sperm post wash, so we were thrilled with that number! It's over double what we had last time. We of course also had sex the night of trigger and the night of IUI - the more sperm the better!

Now we are just waiting it out! I am semi-testing out my trigger - ha! I POAS yesterday afternoon, and the trigger is definitely still very there. I will probably do what I did last time and test every other day. Last time the trigger stayed in my system for at least a week, and I think even a bit longer than that. 

I am praying that in a week or so I will have a BFP to share! 

CD 11: IUI #2 In Progress... and Thoughts of IVF

I don't remember if I updated or not, but after our first injects/IUI cycle we were benched due to me having multiple large cysts (the largest being 3.4 cm) and ovaries two times the size they are supposed to be. Obviously we weren't successful on our own while I was benched (see post title - ha!), but at least the cysts did go away on their own. 

Let me start by saying that I am so not happy with my RE's office right now... more specifically my new nurse. The nurse I had been seeing for almost a year is apparently no longer there anymore - no clue why - and I really, really dislike the new one. She isn't really new because she has been there doing financial stuff and sometimes filling in with nursing duties, but she is new to me. Anyway, she just rubs me the wrong way and doesn't give me any information. Hello, lady! I'm kind of OCD about all of this, and I need to know how thick my lining is, what my estradiol level is, how many follicles I have, what side they are on, and exactly how big they are!!! Even with me asking, she still didn't divulge any info. Like I said, she isn't my favorite. And since she is being so "secretive" I don't have a lot of information to update because I don't have it myself!

So, this cycle they started me out on CD 4 taking 3 vials of Bravelle (225 iu). I did this for 5 days and then went back in for monitoring. According to Nurse Secrets everything looks "good," whatever that means. Apparently not good enough to trigger, though, because I then had to do 3 more days of Bravelle injects (same dose). I'll do the last shot tonight and go back tomorrow morning to see what's going on. I am really hoping that I can trigger tomorrow and don't have to buy more meds, because we have already spent $950 just on meds this cycle. If I need to do even one more day of meds, it will be another $180. We shall see, though! I am specifically praying for 3-4 mature follicles on my left ovary. 

Also, we have been thinking and praying a lot about what our next steps will be. My RE recommended 3 IUIs before moving on to IVF, and we are on number two right now. Of course I am praying that this is the one that works and we won't even have to deal with IVF, but I also want to be realistic and have a plan in place. Part of me wants to do the 3 IUIs like my RE suggested, but on the other hand, J doesn't have any sperm issues, so I'm not really sure how much an IUI ups our chances compared to just trying on our own, ya know? If it doesn't improve our chances too much (I need to see if the RE can give me some percentages on trying on our own vs. IUI w/injects vs. IVF), we are tossing around the idea of just moving straight to IVF after IUI #2 to save money. I mean, injects cycles are expensive, and we could put the ~$1500 we would spend on an IUI cycle toward the IVF, which is insanely expensive (RE mentioned $12,000 at one point). Unfortunately, we don't have the money for it right now, so we would save up between now and next summer and go for it then. During the time we were saving we would continue to try naturally, and I would work on losing weight. 

Where we would do the IVF is also another thing to consider, because my RE only does IVF 4 times per year (every 3 months). Apparently he contracts out an embryologist - there isn't one there full time. They have wonderful success rates, but at the same time, I worry that I would get OHSS or something and have to wait 3 additional months to do a FET. I know I'm probably thinking way too far ahead, but I want to have some kind of game plan in place. There is some clinic in Dallas, TX that has good success rates and seemingly good prices, too, if you pay out of pocket. Their website says the cost is $6,500 without meds, so that seems pretty good. Again, we are just going to have to keep researching! 

CD 25: Back from My Hiatus

So, I've been trying to take a break from all things infertility related recently, including my blog and looking at others' blogs... I'll have to try to get caught up on where everyone is! 

You see, the thing is, I went in for my baseline appointment, and quickly discovered that my ovaries were twice their normal size and I had multiple large cysts, the biggest being 3.4 cm. Clearly, I was benched. No meds for me this cycle. We were encouraged to try naturally... having sex every other day starting on CD 11. 

Honestly? This break? It's been wonderful. I've seriously loved not having to obsess about anything related to my infertility. I haven't missed the RE appointments, injections, temping, or charting. Truthfully, I don't even know if I've ovulated yet. Like I said, I'm enjoying not worrying about it for a change.

The best part, though, is in this break where I have been paying basically no attention to getting pregnant, I feel like my eyes have been opened, and that's what I really want to share.

I have always been one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason. And then infertility happened. I struggled... A LOT. Something I had believed my entire life suddenly sounded so cruel and frankly unbelievable. I remember thinking all the time, "Why am I going through this? It's not fair. We would make such incredible parents. I can't see any reason why we would have to go through this."

I'd be lying if I said I never struggle with thoughts like these anymore. Because I do. And I probably will until this journey we have been on reaches a happy ending. I do, however, feel like the reason for our incredibly trying time with infertility has been revealed to me. It just took me a bit of time to get there.

Let me take you back to my high school years. I attended a phenomenal church, and I was on fire for God. I sang in my church's youth band and loved having that opportunity to show my love for God. But... I drifted away at some point. I never stopped believing in God, but after college, I moved to a new town for my teaching job, and I didn't find a church to get involved in. Then I got married, and we never made it a priority to get involved in church. It just wasn't a part of our lives.

Then infertility happened. Suddenly I needed God again. I needed church again. Really, I needed God all along but had stopped relying on Him. A wise pastor at our church said one Sunday that God will find a way to draw you back to Him if you drift away... He will throw out a roadblock or immerse you in struggles... not because He wants you to suffer, but because He so desperately wants a relationship with you. 

If I am being honest, I don't know if J and I would find ourselves back in church and seeking God right now if we hadn't had to deal with infertility. We've been going since January, and even though I hate what we are going through, at the same time... I'm kind of thankful for it. Without it, we wouldn't be in church. And not only that, because we found a great church, J's parents started going, as well. I can't help but think that wouldn't have happened either if infertility wasn't put in our path. 

I feel like God has been working overtime to reveal this to me and to let me know that He is there, He is real, and I should put all of my trust in Him. A couple of months ago, when I began to notice my thinking about our situation starting to shift a bit, I decided to get my tattoo based on the Bible verse Hebrews 6:19 that basically says, "Hope is the anchor of the soul, and we can have faith in God that He will fulfill his promises." Shortly after this, I started noticing pictures of rainbows everywhere on Facebook and Instagram - a sign of God's promise. I wanted to see my own rainbow, though, and I would literally run outside if I thought it looked like there might be a rainbow. 

I waited and waited, but never saw one. And then one day, 5 days into my current cycle (and possibly in one of my lowest points of this whole journey), I was driving to dinner with J, and he pointed out a rainbow in the sky up ahead. But I couldn't see it. Ironically, he realized he could see it better with his sunglasses on, so he had me put them on, and there it was. Right in front of us. Of course, I couldn't help but think of the sunglasses as an analogy for the darkness we have been experiencing with our infertility... and it was only through that darkness that I could see the rainbow. 

I have hope. I absolutely do. God fulfills His promises. I see the reason for our struggles. It doesn't mean I like our situation, but it does mean I appreciate it a whole lot more. And hopefully, once we get our happy ending, we can somehow use our story to reach out to others.