Currently, I'm on CD 4, which obviously means yet another failed cycle. It doesn't matter how many negatives I've seen on pregnancy tests or how many times I've cried myself to sleep after CD 1 or how many times I've begged God to let this be our cycle... I always get my hopes up. Every time. I don't know why I do it to myself. The higher I get my hopes, the further they have to fall before crashing painfully into the ground. Maybe I'm more of an optimist than I thought? I don't know.
This time I really, really let my hoping get the best of me. It was our first treatment cycle. I was taking 50 mg Clomid, and I had my HSG this cycle before I ovulated. Everything I read stated chances for pregnancy were heightened in the three cycles post HSG. My Synthroid had been upped, so that was once again under control. Not to mention, we had phenomenal timing... which was extra difficult this cycle considering J was out of town, but we made it work, each driving two hours to meet and get the job done. Definitely not the most romantic moment, but somewhere in the back of mind I was thinking putting in the extra effort would give me the end result I had been diligently praying for over the past year.
Then, of course, I somehow managed to even pay attention to the more superstitious things this cycle. 1) That time J and I had to meet up? Yeah, the date was 12-12-12. 2) We had Chinese at the beginning of the cycle, and my fortune cookie held the most magical words: A long term goal will soon be achieved. That just seems like a cruel joke now. 3) If it was successful, we would possibly be able to know on Christmas. What an incredible gift that would have been...
Clearly I am beginning to lose my mind. I'm not normally one of those people who looks for signs that all the stars have aligned. And even if I was, I know it has no relationship to our likelihood of being pregnant. But I let myself be hopeful anyway. Probably more hopeful than I had been on any previous cycle. Now, I just feel hopeless.
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