Thursday, September 12, 2013

CD 25: Back from My Hiatus

So, I've been trying to take a break from all things infertility related recently, including my blog and looking at others' blogs... I'll have to try to get caught up on where everyone is! 

You see, the thing is, I went in for my baseline appointment, and quickly discovered that my ovaries were twice their normal size and I had multiple large cysts, the biggest being 3.4 cm. Clearly, I was benched. No meds for me this cycle. We were encouraged to try naturally... having sex every other day starting on CD 11. 

Honestly? This break? It's been wonderful. I've seriously loved not having to obsess about anything related to my infertility. I haven't missed the RE appointments, injections, temping, or charting. Truthfully, I don't even know if I've ovulated yet. Like I said, I'm enjoying not worrying about it for a change.

The best part, though, is in this break where I have been paying basically no attention to getting pregnant, I feel like my eyes have been opened, and that's what I really want to share.

I have always been one of those people who believed everything happens for a reason. And then infertility happened. I struggled... A LOT. Something I had believed my entire life suddenly sounded so cruel and frankly unbelievable. I remember thinking all the time, "Why am I going through this? It's not fair. We would make such incredible parents. I can't see any reason why we would have to go through this."

I'd be lying if I said I never struggle with thoughts like these anymore. Because I do. And I probably will until this journey we have been on reaches a happy ending. I do, however, feel like the reason for our incredibly trying time with infertility has been revealed to me. It just took me a bit of time to get there.

Let me take you back to my high school years. I attended a phenomenal church, and I was on fire for God. I sang in my church's youth band and loved having that opportunity to show my love for God. But... I drifted away at some point. I never stopped believing in God, but after college, I moved to a new town for my teaching job, and I didn't find a church to get involved in. Then I got married, and we never made it a priority to get involved in church. It just wasn't a part of our lives.

Then infertility happened. Suddenly I needed God again. I needed church again. Really, I needed God all along but had stopped relying on Him. A wise pastor at our church said one Sunday that God will find a way to draw you back to Him if you drift away... He will throw out a roadblock or immerse you in struggles... not because He wants you to suffer, but because He so desperately wants a relationship with you. 

If I am being honest, I don't know if J and I would find ourselves back in church and seeking God right now if we hadn't had to deal with infertility. We've been going since January, and even though I hate what we are going through, at the same time... I'm kind of thankful for it. Without it, we wouldn't be in church. And not only that, because we found a great church, J's parents started going, as well. I can't help but think that wouldn't have happened either if infertility wasn't put in our path. 

I feel like God has been working overtime to reveal this to me and to let me know that He is there, He is real, and I should put all of my trust in Him. A couple of months ago, when I began to notice my thinking about our situation starting to shift a bit, I decided to get my tattoo based on the Bible verse Hebrews 6:19 that basically says, "Hope is the anchor of the soul, and we can have faith in God that He will fulfill his promises." Shortly after this, I started noticing pictures of rainbows everywhere on Facebook and Instagram - a sign of God's promise. I wanted to see my own rainbow, though, and I would literally run outside if I thought it looked like there might be a rainbow. 

I waited and waited, but never saw one. And then one day, 5 days into my current cycle (and possibly in one of my lowest points of this whole journey), I was driving to dinner with J, and he pointed out a rainbow in the sky up ahead. But I couldn't see it. Ironically, he realized he could see it better with his sunglasses on, so he had me put them on, and there it was. Right in front of us. Of course, I couldn't help but think of the sunglasses as an analogy for the darkness we have been experiencing with our infertility... and it was only through that darkness that I could see the rainbow. 

I have hope. I absolutely do. God fulfills His promises. I see the reason for our struggles. It doesn't mean I like our situation, but it does mean I appreciate it a whole lot more. And hopefully, once we get our happy ending, we can somehow use our story to reach out to others.