Tuesday, January 29, 2013

CD 7: Infertility = Not a Fun Ride

Infertility is like a roller coaster (albeit a super sucky rickety roller coaster that beats your head against the headrest around every turn). I can be happy and optimistic one day and completely depressed the next. Actually, now that I think about it, those ups and downs can change from one minute to the next. Today is a perfect example of that. Just this morning I realized how glad I was to already be on CD 7. I remember thinking to myself, Wow, in a week or less I will probably ovulate and have another chance at becoming pregnant. It seems like I was just in my last two week wait, and very shortly I will be in another one. In fact, I felt like I was becoming a little bit more patient, which I something I have been praying for constantly.

Everything changed when I got home from work this afternoon and started scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. An adorable picture popped up of one of my friends I used to teach with at another school last year. She looks like she is about to pop. I remember at the end of the school year that she mentioned she and her husband were about to start trying to get pregnant. Of course, at that point we had already been trying for six months. Well, low and behold it appears she got pregnant her first cycle. I'm happy for her, but at the same time it's just so, so hard.  I mean, there's a good possibility she will have her baby before J and I even get pregnant, and she started trying way after we did.

I know it's not a race or a competition. And I know that her pregnancy doesn't take away my chances of being pregnant. I just don't know how to say it any other way than to say it's hard. Really, really, hard. It's hard to still be trying when others seem to have success so easily. It's hard to see women happily rubbing their pregnant bellies. It's hard to read about pregnancy announcements when you are unsure if you will ever be making one of your own. It's just hard. Hopefully soon I'll be able to say it was hard, but it was so worth it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

14 DPO: Pretty Sure I'm Out.

Today has been really, really difficult. I let my hopes get way too high this cycle... honestly to the point where I was borderline obsessive about temping and testing. Who knows how many wondfo's I went through this cycle. I just let myself believe that this cycle really might be it for us. I had more "symptoms" than ever and a great looking chart. In the back of my head I knew it was because I had a stronger ovulation because of the clomid, thus increasing my progesterone and "symptoms." I simply chose to ignore reality and instead believe they could be actual pregnancy symptoms.

When I woke up this morning to a huge temp drop, I knew immediately it was over. I knew I was out, and I'm not taking it very well. Right now I just feel like it's never going to happen. I keep wondering to myself why not me? Of course, I can't possibly know the answer to that. 

At the moment I am just wishing that AF would hurry up and get here so I can start fresh. Although, thinking about dealing with another cycle (the meds, all the RE's appointments, etc.) and it only ending in another BFN is so disheartening. I know everyone is disappointed when a cycle ends in a BFN, but it is just so different when it's a medicated cycle. You feel like you have worked so hard, giving it everything you have... for nothing. 

The song below describes how I feel perfectly (Warning: It's a tearjerker.)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

IF Sucks

Today has been a terrible IF day for me. Nothing really major happened. It's just been one of those days that's kind of hard to explain unless you've been through it. I've been extremely down, perhaps because I am getting closer and closer to the point of being able to test, and I have an overwhelming premonition that this cycle will end the same as all those before it.

Other contributing factors to feeling down in the dumps today include watching last night's episode of Private Practice (which was basically only about babies, babies, and more babies) and finding out that Jenelle Evans (of all freaking people) is pregnant again. Really?! So. Not. Fair. I'm not typically one to say that someone doesn't deserve a baby, but I have no problem making that statement about her.

Seriously, I'm so, so ready for it to be my turn. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

CD 15: More Good News!

I can't even believe it, but we got more good news today! Today I had more blood drawn (not quite sure what for...), an ultrasound, and a post-coital test done to make sure that my cervical mucous isn't hostile towards J's sperm.  Everything looked great! They checked my lining during the ultrasound. Mine was at 9mm, and they like to see it at 7mm or above, so I was happy with that!

I am a little confused about my chart, though. I didn't get a positive OPK until yesterday (CD 14), but my temperatures make it look like I ovulated on CD 13. This doesn't really match up with my ultrasound I had today because according to that I haven't quite ovulated yet. Maybe the Clomid is doing some weird things to my temperature? Who knows!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

CD 9: It's Creeping Back In...

Relief. It absolutely washed over me at my RE appointment this morning. We actually got some good news. I was prepared to hear the worst, as nothing has really gone our way lately. Today's appointment was different, though. It was better. I waited for over an hour past my appointment, which gave plenty of time for my nervousness to kick in full force. Once my RE finally came in the room, I talked with him for a little bit about everything we've done so far and the fact that my progesterone was way too low last cycle. Then, I had a date with the dildo cam to confirm my previous diagnosis of having a unicornuate uterus.  My RE wanted to make sure I didn't instead have a septate or bicorunate uterus. But I don't. It's definitely unicornuate.

I also learned that I have both ovaries and both kidneys. What a lovely consolation prize. I am apparently about to ovulate from my left ovary, which is the same side my uterus and lone fallopian tube reside on, and my lining looks great. And... J's semen analysis came back normal! I was and am so, so excited about that because it's one less thing we have to worry about. Although, I guess it does mean it's just me that's the problem. Awesome. 

Anyway, I can feel it. The hope, that is. It's creeping back in. It always creeps back in about this time in my cycle, no matter how much I try to keep it at bay. Of course, receiving good news today only served to add to my need to begin hoping for a positive outcome. I guess it's just my nature, because I can't help but hope that this will be our cycle. Here's to hoping!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

CD 8: Nervous Energy

I am so incredibly nervous today. Not about anything that's happening today. I'm nervous about what's happening tomorrow - two things, to be exact.  Numero uno... J is finally giving his semen sample to be analyzed. It's been hard for him to find time to get it taken care of because he travels every week for work and isn't home a whole lot. So, tomorrow morning he's bringing it in at 8:00 AM. I am really hoping everything is perfect with it, because we really don't need one more card stacked against us. Seeing as how I have thyroid problems, irregular cycles, low progesterone, and a unicornuate uterus.

Which brings me to reason number two why I'm a big ball of nervous energy. I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow to check out my uterus a little bit more. The HSG was pretty clear in revealing my half-uterus, so I'm not 100% sure what they will be looking for. Personally, I'm hoping I find out how many ovaries I have. I don't know if I should be praying for one or two. If I have one, is that a bad thing? Would it have to work too hard to compensate for a missing ovary? Or, if I have two, how likely is it for eggs from one ovary to get to my only fallopian tube on the opposite side?  Lots of questions.... so hopefully tomorrow will bring lots of answers. And hopefully, we will get good news for once!

In (somewhat) other news, how annoying is it that Kim Kardashian is pregnant? Seriously? Isn't she still married to that other guy?! Maybe I'd feel differently if I wasn't a so-called "infertile," but the above was my first thought, quickly followed by poor Khloe! It must be really annoying for her to have to deal with both of her unwed obnoxious sisters popping out babies all the time when she has been trying so long for one of her own. 

This is just another example of how it always feels like everyone is pregnant. Everyone but me, of course.  Like I said yesterday, though, I just know 2013 will be our year. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

CD 7: 2013 Will Be Our Year

J and I just got back from a lovely, much needed trip to the Smokies.  We stayed in an adorable cabin in the mountains with the pups.  We really enjoyed ourselves, and I appreciated the opportunity to get my mind off our infertility issues, even if just for a few days.  The highlights of the trip included exploring the Titanic museum, eating breakfast at the Pancake Pantry (absolutely delicious), and walking the strip in downtown Gatlinburg.

Of course, we also rang in the new year while we were there... by acting like the old married couple we are and grabbing dinner at a nice restaurant, watching This is 40 at the movie theater (highly recommend), and heading back to the cabin to drink some booze and lounge around until midnight.  Well, that definitely just reiterated how ridiculously boring we are!

Anyway, with the new year comes New Year's Resolutions.  I have a few of my own to share... all beginning this Friday when I rejoin Weight Watchers for about the millionth time. Maybe I'll actually keep them this year!  Really, I'm hoping they will give me something else to obsess about instead of infertility.

My 2013 New Year's Resolutions
1) No more soda. None. Nada. Zip... shouldn't be too hard since I don't drink it that frequently, anyway.
2) Follow the Weight Watchers points system consistently.  No cheating allowed.
3) Exercise at least 4 times per week.  Preferably in the morning.  Not holding my breath on that last part.
4) Do my best to remain happy and optimistic no matter our circumstances.  I can only hope that 2013 will be our best year yet.