CD 8: Times Are Tough

Last night was excruciatingly tough. I don't know why, honestly. Well, actually I do, but there wasn't any specific event or happening that triggered my depressed episode of hysterical crying that lasted for at least fifteen minutes. It was awful. Full on ugly cry. Completely sobbing while lying in bed listening to music, uncontrollably squeezing my eyes together so tight it hurt. Black mascara streaming down my cheeks. 

I felt so hopeless and alone. Not only because J is out of town, but also because I am truly feeling like I have no one in real life to help me through this tumultuous journey. Really, I was just feeling incredibly sorry for myself and our less-than-desirable circumstances.

I thought about calling my mom mid-sob, but I was crying so hard I'm pretty sure I would have just about given her a panic attack and made her think something really horrible had happened. 

Something horrible and tragic is happening, though, and I hate it. I hate feeling helpless and alone. 

I'm really hoping this is all Clomid talking and I can get out of this funk. 

CD 5: Wonderful Weekend

This weekend has been just what I needed - lots of relaxation with J. I don't usually post about anything besides our struggles with IF, so I figured I should probably include some other (less depressing) updates every once in a while!

Friday we had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant, La Paz. Ya know, since it was National Margarita Day and all. I guess that's one perk of not being pregnant yet! It was delicious! We were going to go see Silver Linings Playbook but ended up deciding to just go home and watch some shows we had recorded.

Saturday we got lunch with J's granddaddy, brother, and his brother's girlfriend. We got Chinese, which isn't my favorite, but it was actually pretty good. We didn't do a whole lot else, but I got to take a long nap that was much needed.

Today has been the best day of the weekend. I always love Sundays because they leave me feeling so refreshed. We went to our usual church service at 8:00 AM. Can I just say I love our church. I'm thankful for an incredible worship experience and a pastor that isn't afraid to speak the truth when he feels it needs to be heard. After church we went to breakfast at Another Broken Egg Cafe. So good! We hadn't eaten there before, but I'm glad we decided to try it out! Afterwards we ran some errands... Target for new sheets, Publix for our weekly groceries, and CVS for the awesome deals! 

Which brings me to my next topic... I love couponing. I used to do it awhile back and stopped (stupid), and recently got started back up again. At Publix we spent around $32 and saved $62! Then, at CVS, we spent around $4 for $58 worth of products before tax (the items pictured below) and left with 21 extra bucks to use for next time. So, we basically ended up with a $17 profit!

And finally, because it's such a beautiful day outside - sunny, low 60s, not a cloud in the sky - J and I took a walk through the park. I need to remember the good days like these when I'm feeling upset about our infertility, because even though I still long for a baby of our own, we are truly blessed with the life we lead. 

CD 4: Still Waiting

What am I waiting on? Lots of things.

Of course, I'm still waiting on my miracle. Ya know, the moment I look down at a pregnancy test and actually see two pink lines.

I'm waiting on the day I can tell my husband we are finally pregnant.

I'm waiting on the cycle I can avoid acting like I've completely lost my mind. Case in point... at the end of last cycle, I had bright red bleeding on 12 DPO and convinced myself it was implantation bleeding because my progesterone was higher than it had ever been, so it was impossible to already be getting my period. Yeah, right. What was I thinking?

I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell our parents we are pregnant. Yesterday I was informed by my brother-in-law's girlfriend that my mother-in-law thinks "something is definitely going on" because we moved our dogs to the garage and cleaned out and painted our front bedroom. Awesome. Nothing like some extra added pressure. Believe me, MIL, I wish something was "going on."

I'm waiting for all of these things because I know it will be worth it in the end.

On another note, I feel like there have been multiple occasions where God has really spoken to me through music. I mentioned one time several entries ago, but this past week there was another occurrence. I was on my way home from work and turned into the CVS parking lot to pick up my Clomid prescription. For whatever reason, I changed my mind, deciding I didn't really feel like dealing with getting my prescription right then. As I was pulling out, the song "Who You Are" by JJ Heller came on the radio. The song literally begins, "All she wanted was a baby to hold." Anyway, the basic message of the song is that we don't know God's plans, but he is God, and his plans are so much better than ours. I have to remind myself of this constantly during this journey, and I just know God knew I needed to hear that song at that exact moment, because if I had gone inside CVS, I wouldn't have heard it at all.

If you want to listen, here it is:

9 DPO: Hating the Waiting Game

I despise the two week wait. Patience has never been my strong point, and I have quickly learned I need a lot of it during this journey. I am literally not good at having to wait, which was proven this morning when I decided to go ahead and test this cycle. Uhm, hello, I'm only 9 DPO... like it would have actually been positive anyway! Sometimes I think I must just like torturing myself. And now that I've started testing, I'll probably continue every day. At least my progesterone was good this cycle at 16.5. That's the best it's been so far!

I feel like I have been really irritable this cycle, especially when people (read: my friends who know what we are going through) seem to always bring up other people's pregnancies. I mean, seriously? Do they really think I actually want to hear about other people who are pregnant? Use some common sense, people: I don't. This has happened twice in the past three days! The first instance was on Valentine's Day. I went to dinner and a movie with my best friend because J was out of town on business. She starts talking about a girl she works with who she finds so weird and is pregnant. Gee, thanks for letting me know. I just love to hear about random people I don't even care about who are pregnant.

Then, last night, we hung out with some friends for dinner and game night. One of my friends informs me that their neighbor who has been pregnant lost the baby. She was pretty far along - like far enough that they knew it was a boy. I do feel really, really bad for this couple. In the back of my head, though, I remember the last time my friend told me about their pregnancy was right after she went to their gender reveal party and the mom started bawling when it was revealed it was a boy and basically threw a temper tantrum because she wanted a girl. Let's just say that story made me develop a deep dislike for this girl. Like I said, I still feel awful for her and her husband, but it doesn't mean I like hearing about these kind of things.

So, for now, I am hoping this cycle is the last cycle I am irritated hearing about others' pregnancies... because maybe there won't be another cycle for me.

4 DPO: Step Away from the Thermometer!

Temping keeps me sane and drives me crazy all at once. I love being able to for sure know when I ovulated, but at the same time, I am guilty of overanalyzing every temp and pattern during the 2WW. Every. Single. 2WW. I'm the crazy girl who does chart overlays on Fertility Friend starting at like 8 DPO to compare my charts to those that resulted in a pregnancy. I'm the crazy girl who thinks, Oh, my temperature went up on CD 12, when usually it goes down. This must mean something GOOD! Yeah, right. 

Needless to say, I made myself stop temping today. I temped just long enough to confirm ovulation, and last night I put my thermometer in the drawer of my nightstand. I'm done with it this cycle... and of course hoping I'm done with it for good and won't need it for a "next" cycle.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling this cycle, honestly. I'm not near as hopeful as I was last cycle. Although, this is probably a good thing. The less hopeful I am now, the less let down I will feel later if this cycle is unsuccessful.

I did realize the other day that if this cycle works, we will have seen the heartbeat by Easter, and we will actually be able to tell my parents in person (they live about 700 miles away from us). I know thinking ahead like this is quite dangerous in terms of my emotions, but sometimes it's nice to think about the "What ifs...." 

So, in light of that, here are my thoughts on "What if this cycle actually works?":

• As mentioned, we can tell my parents in person on Easter, which is something I've always wanted to do.
• I would be due on October 31st - hello Halloween baby!
• Timing would be great for maternity leave because my time off would lead right up to Christmas break. (Assuming I don't go into labor super early, ya know, because of my half-uterus and all.

It's kind of weird that I can think more logically about these things now, all the while keeping myself from being too overly optimistic, but I'm glad for this new-found ability. 

CD 14: Another RE Appointment

Well, today was an interesting appointment. Monitoring wise, everything looks great, and I should ovulate any day now. (Yay!) What made it a little strange, though, was toward the end of the appointment my RE mentioned that my last visit to my lady doctor was last January... so... he went ahead and did a pap smear right then and there! Uhm, definitely wasn't prepared for that one! At least it's done and out of the way, though. And that's one less co-pay out of my pocket!

I also found out that J apparently has super sperm. I don't really remember all of the numbers, honestly. I think my RE said he had 194 million total count and 76% motility... something like that. He even went so far as to say that his counts were so good he would be a great candidate for a sperm donor. Uh, great, so maybe he can knock someone else up since it isn't working out so well with me? I don't think so. That's not at all what my RE was trying to say, but my mind definitely went there anyway. 

As for what's next, my RE wants me to do 6 successful rounds of clomid (successful in that I actually have a strong ovulation). He said that if I'm not pregnant after the 6 rounds, then I will likely have laparoscopic surgery... which I would really like to avoid. So, if this cycle doesn't work out, I will have 4 more cycles of clomid. I was thinking he would probably only want me to do one more and then move on to IUI, but I am kind of glad he isn't going that route, because I think our chances are actually pretty good to conceive naturally now that I am actually having strong ovulations and knowing how excellent J's sperm count is. In fact, today when we talked about my last cycle being a BFN, my RE said, "Well, not many people actually get pregnant their first time ovulating." That really made me change my mindset a bit and realize that last cycle was really our first true chance of getting pregnant. In a way, that makes me feel a bit better about everything. 

One last tidbit... on my way to the RE this morning, "Don't You Worry Child" came on the radio. I hadn't really ever paid attention to the lyrics before, but I did today and part of them seemed so fitting:

My Father said,

"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child.

See Heaven's got a plan for you.

Don't you worry, don't you worry now."

I really feel like that song came on the radio right at that moment just for me to hear those exact words. I can't wait to see God's plan for me.